Google+ Bree Bronson's Babies: Then the phone finally rang

Monday, May 27, 2013

Then the phone finally rang

Photo: midwifesboutique.com
For the past two weeks I've been able to do little less than bite my nails. Sleeping hasn't really been an option and I've filled my days with all imaginable non-important tasks just to keep myself busy. Still there's only been one single thought in my head: I can't make it if he's sick.

The worst case scenario has included two equally terrible options. Having an extra demanding baby when we already have two wee ones in the house would probably be too much. I don't think I could make it. I've seen how much attention and special care the sick boy my cousin has needs. I also know a family who chose to keep a sick baby, it was their third child. The girl is about 15 years old today and lives in a nursing home. The mother has suffered from difficult mental problems since the girl was a couple of years old and the parents have divorced. I can somehow see us on the same road and I don't think any of that would be fair to the kids. Son and Daughter would lose big time.

Abortion then? I don't think doing abortion is ever easy, especially if the baby is expected and desired. And in my case it wouldn't be a "regular" abortion which can be done until week 12. In Finland abortion is permitted up to week 24 with special permission. The permission can be granted only if the baby is seriously ill or the pregnancy is threatening the mother's health. I already have 22 weeks behind me so abortion would basically mean giving birth to a dead baby. And killing the fetus first. I would blame myself for the rest of my life although I think there are no right or wrong solutions in these kinds of situations. Despite of all this we chose abortion. I needed to be prepared, just in case.

Last Thursday I finally got the phone call. Of all the places in the world I was, of course, in the grocery store. Alone. I don't know when I've cried in front of the candy shelf last time. The test result was normal. I'm not a carrier. Nor can the baby be, or Son, or Daughter. It was one of the best phone calls I've ever received.

I'm writing about this first now because my hands haven't stopped shaking until yesterday evening. Last night I had the first proper sleep for a long time. Some time ago I decided that I'll buy a nice maternity dress if the news are good. I'll probably pick it up tomorrow. It's quite nice, isn't it?

2 comments:

  1. So happy for you!
    - Stiina

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, me too! I start to realize first now how big a weight this was on my shoulders. And I bought the dress. It's gorgeous and I feel like I've somehow "earned" it. :D

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