Google+ Bree Bronson's Babies: What is he?

Friday, April 26, 2013

What is he?

Narcissus
Photo: underpaintings.blogspot.com
This same scene has been repeated in our house dozens of times. Husband comes home from work and starts to bitch and nag about everything without any specific reason. He literally asks for trouble. I can see that he's tired, hungry and probably had a terrible day at work. He explodes though if I ask him anything about it. The situation gets astronomically worse if I happen to be tired enough myself to mention anything about it. Then I'm likely to get a response such as (a real-life quote): "How can you say you're tired, you're at home all day and get to do whatever you want?!".

Most times I'm too tired or fed up to argue anything in these situations. And by now I'm also experienced enough to realize that I'm not winning anything if I'll join the fight. From Husband's side there will never be an apology, an explanation or an attempt to make up for anything. He will always consider himself a victim, no matter what, and make me apologize for what I've said or done during the fight. What I've found most useful is that I'll just ignore him completely. I'll lock myself in the bathroom or give him the rudest answers: "You're gonna kill yourself? OK, just keep in mind while doing it that me and the kids will get no insurance money whatsoever because the insurance doesn't cover suicide.". Extremely blunt, I know, but I can expect equally little sympathy from him if I'm feeling low. And I think that he, as an adult guy, should realize that by saying "man, I had a crappy day at work" he would trigger much more understanding response from me as well.

Taking all this into consideration my question is this: what is this guy? Would it be fair to label him as a narcissist? The word has been circulating in my mind from time to time. Or is he just a big crybaby? A jackass? What should I call him? It would be somehow easier to handle him if I could put a label on his behavior.

I'm partly wondering because I've came to notice one thing: my blog isn't mostly about being a mom. It's about my relationship to Husband and dealing with this kind of guy. When I started blogging a bit over 100 posts ago I decided to write about whatever I feel like. Well, check the tag cloud. I should probably edit my description text.

6 comments:

  1. Selfish bastard?
    Mine is like that too: comes home late and complains - not a single thing is good. We've had a quite a few discussions about his attitude but nothing seems to change....except that finally I think I got him to at least agree that his attitude is selfish. I am hoping tht this would be a breakthrough since the next day I found out that I am pregnant with our second child...

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    1. *Selfish bastard*. That one is actually really good! Can I use it?

      We've had quite a few discussions about Husband's attitude as well and his view about this seems to change from time to time. When he's angry he seems to think he has a "right" to behave like a dick. When he's not angry he seems to think that I should let go everything he says or does because he "just is like that". Well, I try, but I think there are couple of points. First of all, Husband would never, ever let me get away with the kind of behavior he demonstrates himself. Secondly, I think I deserve to be treated well. I'm doing my best to treat him well too. Lastly, what an example he shows to the kids! He has adopted this behavior from his dad and I have trouble figuring out how my mother-in-law puts up with it. She says herself that she's "used to it". I'm not and I don't want to either. I want to teach Son to treat his women-to-come (or men for that matter) with respect. And Husband's example is crucial.

      Bringing up these points again and again has helped me with Husband. Could it be helpful to you as well? I think it's a big step that your man admits that his attitude is selfish.

      And congratulations! ...and good luck! I'll keep my thumbs up for you.

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  2. Hei, täällä kohtalotoveri joka eksyi blogiisi project maman kautta. Olemme tosin olleet mieheni kanssa yhdessä vasta viisi vuotta josta naimisissa kaksi ja toinen lapsi syntyy pian. En sanoisi miestäni narsistiksi, mutta narsistisia piirteitä hänestä kyllä löytyy. Suhteemme tuntuu lähes maanis-depressiiviseltä. Joko se on todella hyvä tai todella huono. Välimuotoa ei ole. Ja koskaan ei voi tietää mikä laukaisee huonon jakson. Naurettavimmillaan se on ollut mm. se, kun töihin lähtiessäni en ollut pyyhkinyt keittiön pöytää riittävän hyvin. Ajatus siitä, että viettäisin loppuelämäni ihmisen kanssa jolla omasta mielestään on oikeus em. pikkuasian takia vähätellä älykkyyttäni ja kykyäni lasten ja kodinhoidossa, tuntuu koko ajan epätodennäköisemmältä. Ja anteeksipyyntöä ylilyönnistä on tietenkin turha odottaa. Mutta mieheni kuitenkin rakastaa lastamme yli kaiken joten kaiken heittäminen hukkaan ja perheen hajottaminen ei ole ihan pikkujuttu. Puhumatta uhkauksista käydä jokainen oikeusaste läpi lapsen huoltajuuden saamiseksi. Ja jotenkin sitä vain aina toivoisi, että asiat järjestyisivät ihmeen kaupalla. Tosin usko tähänkin hiipuu jokaisen älyttömän riidan jälkeen, jossa minä olen aina väärässä, kykenemätön kompromisseihin ja huomaamaan virheeni ja minun pitäisi muuttua, mutta hänen käytöksensä nyt vain on tällaista. Pahoitteluni avautumisestani, mutta halusin siis sanoa, että et ole yksin. :) Ja vertaistuki auttaa ja ei et ole hullu ;)

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    1. Welcome! And thanks for commenting - it really helps me (hopefully you as well) to know that I'm not the only one. And that I'm not crazy. ;)

      We've been together for soon seven (!) years so not so much longer than you guys actually. And I recognize many things that you describe. Like apologizing: no way Husband would apologize for anything, he gladly makes me apologize though if I've offended him. And nothing is ever his fault: if he loses the garage key it's the jacket's fault because the pockets are poor. If I break something - I should learn to use the stuff better.

      And the kids. Husband loves our kids very much. I don't know how he would react if we would separate but I can say that the kids have kept us together so far. And just like you said as well: it seems to me less and less likely all the time that we would grow old together with Husband. It makes me sad because he either doesn't realize it or doesn't care.

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    2. Kuulostaa niin tutulta. Jos minulta hukkuu jotain tai en osaa suoralta kädeltä sanoa missä joku tavara on, niin olen huolimaton enkä osaa huolehtia tavaroistani eikä minulle voi hankkia mitään arvokasta. Mutta jos hänelle käy samoin, on se joko minun syytäni, että olen laittanut tavarat väärään paikkaan tai sitten se ohitetaan olankohautuksella jos tavara löytyykin hänen jäljiltään. Ja sitä ärsytystä ja raivoa siitä, että minä en pidä tavaroita järjestyksessä niin että hän löytäisi omat tavaransa välittömästi omilta jäljiltään ei tarvitse koskaan pyytää anteeksi koska se on täysin normaalia käytöstä.

      Minä olen lisäksi muuttanut toiselle puolelle Suomea mieheni perässä ja kaikki läheiseni sekä parhaat ystäväni asuvat kaukana. Matkustus kotiseudulleni tapaamaan sukulaisiani ja ystäviäni on aina yhtä työn ja tuskan takana. Milloin minkäkin syyn takia matka tulisi perua ja kun viimein pääsen reissuun, tulee aina jotain riitaa.

      Oletko käynyt juttelemassa asioista kenenkään ammatti-ihmisen kanssa tai oletko puhunut tilanteesta esim ystäviesillesi? Itselläni se ainakin auttaa selvittämään omaa päätäni ja kestämään tilannetta paremmin.

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    3. I was about to reply, then forgot! We have exactly similar scenes about losing/breaking things. He just found the (only) garage key that he lost and that's been gone for over six months. It was in the car like I thought. According to Husband's version it's been like abducted by aliens because he "searched the car thoroughly".

      I think you have a right to visit your friends and relatives, just take the time and go. Surely your man also has things of his own...?

      And the therapy thing! I've suggested it several times, already a lonmg time ago. Husband seems to do whatever it takes to avoid it. I sometimes took a couple of sessions on my own, then realized it's not gonna help *us* in the long run. He would need to be involved too, so I'm kinda stuck with that one. I think it would be helpful though.

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